Painful Regrets
by I am a tie
Summary: “Please don’t go Kartik. I don’t want you to go.” It’s the truest thing I’ve said all day.“For that I am sorry for you.”Kartik…It had been a year since I had last seen him.What happens if Kartik never came back to Gemma after there little spat?


**Reveiws are always welcome.**

**I made a few changes because it was pointed out to me that i should have more of my own writing.**

**So i have changed the excerpt from the book slightly so it's more specific as to what I see. The dialogue is mostly the same, but Gemma see's things slightly differently. I tried not to change it to much, I hope it's okay.**

**I don't own anything in this story other than the idea :P**

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Kartik…

The name traveled through my mind a few more times.

Kartik…

How could he not now that I love him.

Kartik…

_"Tonight is Miss Worthington's Christmas ball, yes?" Karik asks, running fingers through his think tangle of curls. _

_"Yes." I say._

_"What do you do at these balls?" Kartik asks shyly._

_"Oh," I sigh, "There is a great deal of smiling and talking about the weather and how lovely everyone looks. There is a light supper and refreshments. And the dancing, of course." I smile to myself at Kartik's lack of knowladge with these things. Some might find it childish, I however find it cute._

_"I've never been to a ball. I don't know how this sort of dancing is done."_

_"It isn't so difficult to master for a man. The woman has to learn to do it in reverse without stepping on his feet." I sigh remembering a few unpleasant experiences._

_Karik lifts one hand into position as if holding an imaginary partner. "Like this?" He moves around and around. _

_"A bit slower. That's it," I say._

_Karik adopts a plumy tone. "I say Lady Whatsit, have you had many callers since arriving in London?"_

_"Oh Lord Hoity-toity." I answer matching his tone, "Why, I've had so many cards from the very best people that I've had to put out two china bowls to display them all."_

_"Two bowls you say?"_

_"Two bowls." I laugh._

_"What an inconvenience to you and your china collection," Karik says laughing. He is so very lovely when he laughs._

_"I should like to see you in black jacket and white tie."_

_Kartik stops. "Do you think I would look the grand gentleman?"_

_"Yes." It is hard to imagine Kartik in formal attire, he's always so casual. Not that I have anything against his form of dress. But, it would be interesting to see him in something different._

_He bows to me. "May I have this dance, Miss Doyle?"_

_I curtsy. "Oh, but of course Lord Hoity-toity."_

_"No," he says softly. "May _I _have this dance?" He eyes find mine from beneath a mass of dark currly hair._

_Kartik is asking me to dance. I look about. The house is still shuttered with sleep. Even the sun is hiding behind the gray clouds of its bedclothes. No one's about, but they will be at any moment. My head whispers frantic warnings: _Mustn't, Improper. Wrong. What if someone should see us? What about Simon…

_But my hand makes the decision for m, pushing against the Christmas morning chill till it is joined with his. His hands are strong and warm._

_"Ah, your, um, your other hand would be at my waist," I say looking down at our feet._

_"Here?" he says, resting his palm against my hip._

_"Higher," I croak. His hand slowly finds my waist. "That's it."_

_"What next?"_

_"We, we dance." I say, my breath coming out in shallow puffs._

_He turns me round slowly and awkwardly at first. There is so much space between us a third person could stand there. I keep my eyes in our feet stepping so close to each other, I keep my eyes on our feet stepping so close to each other leaving patterns in the thin layer of saw dust._

_"I think it would be easier if you weren't pulling away," He says._

_"This is how it's done," I say._

_He pulls me closer to him, far closer than is appropriate. There is a whisper of space between his chest and mine. Instinctively, I look around but there is no one to see us but the horses. Kartik's hand travels from my waist to the small of my back and I gasp. He's so close, so close I could almost- No. I mustn't. We continue turning round and round, his hand warm at my back, his other hand grasping mine, I am suddenly dizzy._

"_Gemma." he says, so that I must look up into those magnificent brown eyes. "There's something I need to tell you…"_

_He mustn't say it. It will ruin everything. I break away, my hand going to my stomach to steady myself. _

_"Are you alright?" Kartik says._

_I smile weakly and nod. "The cold." I lie"Perhaps I should be getting back."_

_"But first, I need to tell you-"_

_"There's so much to do" I say cutting him off._

_"Well, then," he says sounding hurt. "Don't forget your gift."_

_He hands me the charm blade. Our hands touch, and for an instant, it is as if the world holds it's breath, and then his lips, those warm, soft lips, are on mine. It is as if I've been caught in a sudden rain._

_There's a sensation in my stomach like birds flapping as I break away. "Please don't." _

_"It's because I am Indian, isn't it?" he asks._

_"Of course not." I say, shocked that he would think something so awful. "I don't even think of you as Indian."_

_He looks as if he's been punched. Then he throws his head back and laughs. I do not know what I've said that is so amusing. He gives me such a hard look I fear my heart shall break from it. "So you don't even think of me as Indian. Well, that is a tremendous relief."_

_"I-I didn't mean it like that." I stammer._

_"You English never do." He walks into the stables with me on his heels. _

_I'd never thought of how insulting that might sound. But now, too late, I realize that he is right, that in my heart I have taken for granted that I have been so frank with Kartik, so…myself…because he is Indian and so there could never be anything between us. Anything I could say now would be a lie. I've made such a mess of things._

_Kartik is gathering his meager possessions into a rucksack._

_"Where are you going?"_

_"To the Rakshana. It is time for me to claim my place. To begin my training, and advance."_

_"Please don't go Kartik. I don't want you to go." It's the truest thing I've said all day._

_"For that I am sorry for you."_

Kartik…

It had been a year since I had last seen him.

I look out my window, willing to be somewhere on the lawn. To my great disappointment he is no where to be seen.

How could I be so stupid, how could I…

There is no time to think of what I should have done, I have other things to be thinking about.

I fasten the amethyst necklace securely around my neck.

How could I be so cruel to him, Kartik the only man I ever loved.

He's gone forever lost to the Rakshana.

I through a quick glance out the window, my eyes catch a figure in a near by tree.

Kartik?

I run to the window, alas it is simply a trick of the light.

Disappointed I return to my dressing table.

There's a gently knock at the door.

"Miss, are you ready yet?" A voice calls.

"Yes, just give me another minute."

"Very well miss." I hear Emily's retreating footsteps.

I take a look in the mirror; I can see the tears in my eyes threatening to fall down my face, at the slightest inclination.

"It's too late," I tell myself. "He's already lost."

The knocking is back, slightly more frantic than before.

"Miss are you ready yet?"

"Yes Emily, I'm coming."

I meet Emily at the door.

"Good luck Miss," Emily smiles at me.

"Thank you," I head down the stairs to see my father's gleeful smile.

He's better now, three months he hasn't touched opium.

I link my arm through his and walk down the path towards a beaming Simon Middleton.

Kartik…I am so sorry.

A single tear escapes and slides down my cheek.

* * *

**So ya that's my first AGATB/RA fanfic.**

**So yeah I would love it if you reveiwed!**

**:D**

**-tie**


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